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Last weekend I was at a party that reminded me of an old pain. I realised again how painful it is to be excluded, bullied or schemed against. How do you deal with it when someone has chosen you to be a lightning rod for their frustrations? When someone uses every means at their disposal to destroy your reputation and exclude you from a group that is important to you above all else? Whether in the workplace, among friends and family or in a relationship - bullying hits us in the heart, in the pit of the stomach and digs deep into our psyche.

It's now been about five years since I made the decision, Putting my peace of mind above the desire to belong and to leave a group where I was treated badly. Today I know it was bullying. In the middle of it, I couldn't say anything because I was so confused by the intrigues that I no longer trusted my own perception. In hindsight, I realise that this is exactly the perfidious approach to bullying. It destroys your self-esteem and distorts your self-image. It feels a bit like Alice in Wonderland. You're still clearing up one thing while the next lie about you is already circulating. You lose control of your boundaries in a way that invites others, who were previously uninvolved, to cross them. It is a dangerous state.

Your body is energised around the clock.

This story comes in many guises and also happens in partnerships. We are not always treated fairly and people are always spiteful towards us even though we have done nothing wrong. Some feel provoked by our mere existence, others by something we have. We turn to someone with an open heart and get a slap for no reason. The question is, how do you deal with it?

You no longer trust your own perception.

If you are constantly confronted with lies, insinuations and accusations, you will eventually find it difficult to believe in your own integrity. You start to justify yourself for things you haven't actually done, get tangled up in contradictions and seem even more guilty. At some point, you wonder whether the others might be right. Whether it could be that you really are a terrible person. In very dark moments, you even think about suicide. All self-confidence has long gone. You're just a pawn, put under pressure and manipulated. People you thought were your friends suddenly take the other side, who are skilfully manipulated and seem so much safer than you. You are now isolated from any support and question yourself for good. Burn-out-like symptoms set in.

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The frog in hot water

When you have finally made it out of this situation, you ask yourself why it could have come to this. The answer is simple. It starts with little things. Throw a frog into hot water and it immediately jumps out again. But put it in cold water and heat it slowly and it won't realise. It can be boiled while fully conscious. That's how it is with bullying. It's little things at first. They accumulate. People - and you yourself - get used to your increased pain threshold. And add to it. It was only when they tried to turn my husband against me and harm my children that I woke up.

Kindness is not always the right answer.

The trap that contributed to it getting this far was my belief that everything can be solved with communication and kindness. But when someone points a gun at you, you should stop being friendly. I have long shied away from hitting back with equal vigour. To fight back loudly. I didn't want to appear hysterical. Because that's how it is with us women - those who have clear boundaries are quickly seen as difficult, complicated and oversensitive. Instead, I tried to understand the needs of these people. Looking back now, I would say that they simply had a great need for a doormat. The longer I tried to meet them with understanding, the more I turned into one.

I am sure that nobody is in this world to be a doormat.

Bullying is a dragon with many heads. You chop one off and two new ones grow back. At some point, you focus all your life energy on this fight, in which you end up being eaten anyway. The desire to prove to these people that you are a valuable, lovable person keeps you awake and barely eating. It's like a mental illness.

The only remedy is very often to let go.

We have learnt to talk to the universe in recent years, but have we also learnt to listen to it? When it shows us a stop sign and says: "Stop, you can't go any further here, you should no longer belong to this group, your path continues elsewhere", do we listen? If it tells us by all means: "Get away from this person", do we trust it enough to turn around and leave? I was able to experience for myself how much power there is in letting go. It was painful. Very much so. I would have given anything to have a good place in this community. I also gave almost everything, I was no longer myself. The decision to consciously take myself out of this community haunted my dreams for a long time and woke me up in the middle of the night. But I knew it was the only way. There was definitely nothing healthy to be had there. Not for me.

After breaking with these people, I tried to transform my inner turmoil into meaningful energy. In the end, it was during this time that I wrote my book "Chi instead of Botox" and created the whole project that is now running so successfully and has brought me so much joy and success. The loneliness I experienced suddenly gave me the time and leisure to do this, and I transformed my inner pain into valuable energy. After a year, I said to my husband: "Actually, I should have brought these people a huge bouquet of flowers, they couldn't have done me a bigger favour". Because I suddenly realised one thing very clearly over time - these are not people I want to have anything to do with. You realise that you have got rid of an ulcer that has been feeding on your energy all this time, making you ill. The wound has taken its time and the scar remains, but the ulcer is gone. And you have a chance of a good life.

Suddenly there were new people in my life. "When the wrong people leave your path, the right things start to happen", as the saying goes. I can only agree with that. There was suddenly so much room for good things in my life!

Better alone than with the wrong people.

As great as our desire for belonging and affection may be, it is better to be alone than to be with hateful or ignorant people. Be careful what energy you allow into your life. You deserve respect - and it starts with yourself.

Have so much respect for yourself that you choose the people who are allowed to touch your inner self. Have so much respect for yourself that, when in doubt, you first question the other person before you question yourself. Never forget that what other people say and do is first and foremost a statement about who THEY are, NOT about who YOU are. Not everyone deserves to be in your energy field. Anything you are willing to tolerate, you feed with your energy. There is no healthy reason to treat others better than yourself. Ask yourself: "If I expected from a friend what I expect from myself, would she be happy to be with me?" Be good to yourself and don't worry about what others think.

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It hurts when you're innocently caught out. You have the urge to set the record straight, you want to be seen in the right light. It's difficult to believe that people lie without batting an eyelid and deliberately harm you, you don't want to believe that what's happening to you is malice, you want to believe in a misunderstanding and try to clear things up. But sometimes you just don't get the chance. And yes, there are people who are psychopathic or so incredibly frustrated that they take out their aggression on others.

And fell into the trap again.

I was reminded of this again last weekend. I knew that these people would be at the party, but I wanted to make the birthday girl happy and be there. What can I say, I was asked to kiss their hand again. An incredible amount of anger welled up inside me for a moment, because of course our bill was never paid. The pain was there again. And I realised that it was a mistake to come. I put the desire to make someone happy above my need to protect myself. I will never do that again. I give myself the right to set boundaries, even if I'm considered difficult, complicated or a mimosa afterwards. Self-protection comes first.

I repeat this sentence again because girls and women don't get told it often enough:

Self-protection always comes first!

Self-protection is more important than politeness.

Life is too short to be a doormat. Life is too beautiful if you take your own limits seriously. Today I am keeping my energy field tidy. I am at home in myself and in this home it is nice and warm, cosy and relaxed. I am enough for myself. I am never alone. I have learnt to be a caring friend to myself. My wellbeing is more important than the affection or understanding of others. I guess it took being treated badly for me to learn that. Today I am surrounded by incredibly kind people and I am very grateful for that. But taking good care of myself is MY job.