The desire to belong - and its price: a bullying showdown

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Last weekend I was at a party that reminded me of an old pain. I realised again how painful it is to be excluded, bullied or schemed against. How do you deal with it when someone has chosen you to be a lightning rod for their frustrations? When someone uses every means at their disposal to destroy your reputation and exclude you from a group that is important to you above all else? Whether in the workplace, among friends and family or in a relationship - bullying hits us in the heart, in the pit of the stomach and digs deep into our psyche.

It's now been about five years since I made the decision, Putting my peace of mind above the desire to belong and to leave a group where I was treated badly. Today I know it was bullying. In the middle of it, I couldn't say anything because I was so confused by the intrigues that I no longer trusted my own perception. In hindsight, I realise that this is exactly the perfidious approach to bullying. It destroys your self-esteem and distorts your self-image. It feels a bit like Alice in Wonderland. You're still clearing up one thing while the next lie about you is already circulating. You lose control of your boundaries in a way that invites others, who were previously uninvolved, to cross them. It is a dangerous state.

Your body is constantly energised, round the clock

This story comes in many guises and also happens in partnerships. We are not always treated fairly and people are always spiteful towards us even though we have done nothing wrong. Some feel provoked by our mere existence, others by something we have. We turn to someone with an open heart and get a slap for no reason. The question is, how do you deal with it?

You no longer trust your own judgement

If you are constantly confronted with lies, insinuations and accusations, you will eventually find it difficult to believe in your own integrity. You start to justify yourself for things you haven't actually done, get tangled up in contradictions and seem even more guilty. At some point, you wonder whether the others might be right. Whether it could be that you really are a terrible person. In very dark moments, you even think about suicide. All self-confidence has long gone. You're just a pawn, put under pressure and manipulated. People you thought were your friends suddenly take the other side, who are skilfully manipulated and seem so much safer than you. You are now isolated from any support and question yourself for good. Burn-out-like symptoms set in.

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The frog in hot water

When you have finally made it out of this situation, you ask yourself why it could have come to this. The answer is simple. It starts with little things. Throw a frog into hot water and it immediately jumps out again. But put it in cold water and heat it slowly and it won't realise. It can be boiled while fully conscious. That's how it is with bullying. It's little things at first. They accumulate. People - and you yourself - get used to your increased pain threshold. And add to it. It was only when they tried to turn my husband against me and harm my children that I woke up.

Being friendly isn’t always the right answer

The trap that contributed to it getting this far was my belief that everything can be solved with communication and kindness. But when someone points a gun at you, you should stop being friendly. I have long shied away from hitting back with equal vigour. To fight back loudly. I didn't want to appear hysterical. Because that's how it is with us women - those who have clear boundaries are quickly seen as difficult, complicated and oversensitive. Instead, I tried to understand the needs of these people. Looking back now, I would say that they simply had a great need for a doormat. The longer I tried to meet them with understanding, the more I turned into one.

I’m sure that nobody in this world is here to be a doormat. Bullying is a many-headed dragon. You chop one head off and two new ones grow back. At some point, you focus all your life’s energy on this battle, only to be devoured in the end anyway. The desire to prove to these people that you are a valuable, lovable person keeps you awake at night and makes it hard to eat. It’s like a mental illness.

Very often, the only remedy is to let go

In recent years, we have learnt to speak to the universe, but have we also learnt to listen to it? When it holds up a stop sign and says: „Stop, you can’t go any further here; you no longer belong to this group; your path lies elsewhere“, do we listen? I experienced for myself back then just how much strength there is in letting go. It was painful. Very painful. I would have given anything to secure a good place within that community. I did give almost everything; I was no longer myself. The decision to consciously remove myself from that community haunted my dreams for a long time and woke me up in the middle of the night. But I knew that was the only way. There was definitely nothing healthy to be found there. Not for me.

After breaking up with these people, I tried to channel my inner restlessness into something constructive. Ultimately, it was during this time that I came up with my „Chi instead of Botox“ project. The loneliness that followed meant I suddenly had the time and the peace of mind to do so. A year later, I said to my husband: „Actually, I should take these people a huge bouquet of flowers; they couldn’t have done me a bigger favour.“ Because, with the benefit of hindsight, there was one thing I could suddenly see very clearly – these are not the sort of people I want to have anything to do with. You realise that you’ve got rid of a cancer that was feeding off your energy the whole time and making you ill. The wound took time to heal and the scar remains, but the cancer is gone. And you have a chance at a good life.

Better alone than with the wrong people

As great as our desire for belonging and affection may be, it is better to be alone than to be with hateful or ignorant people. Be careful what energy you allow into your life. You deserve respect - and it starts with yourself.

Have enough respect for yourself to choose carefully the people you allow to touch your heart. Never forget that what other people say and do is primarily a reflection of who THEY are, NOT of who YOU are. Not everyone deserves to be in your energy field. Whatever you’re willing to tolerate, you nourish with your energy. There’s no valid reason to treat others better than you treat yourself. Ask yourself: „If I expected from a friend what I expect from myself, would she want to be with me?“ Be kind to yourself and don’t worry about what others think.

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Self-protection always comes first!

It hurts when you’re wrongly accused. You feel the urge to set the record straight; you want to be seen in the right light. But sometimes you just don’t get the chance. I was reminded of this again last weekend. I prioritised the desire to make someone happy over my need to protect myself. I’ll never do that again. I’m giving myself the right to set boundaries, even if it means I’m seen as difficult, complicated or oversensitive.

Self-protection is more important than politeness.

Life is too short to be a doormat. Today, I’m keeping my energy field in order. I feel at home within myself, and in this home it’s lovely and warm, cosy and relaxed. I am enough on my own. I have learnt to be a caring friend to myself. My well-being is more important than the affection or understanding of others. Looking after myself properly is MY responsibility.