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Oooh, what thin ice! What is bad sex, what is good sex? Do I have good sex, or could it be better? What does she actually want to write about?

Well, I am concerned about statements made by some clients (in my psycho-kinesiological practice is spoken openly and honestly), from which a picture emerges for me that I would like to think about out loud.

As people today are busier than in the past, have more relationships and therefore more sexual partners, there are more opportunities for comparison. Whereas people used to lie next to the same person all their lives and could only guess how the others were doing it, today they bring more experience to the relationship. As a result, there are more and more courageous women asking for better sex. And unfortunately they are always fobbed off with the answer: "All the other women were satisfied."

This is the answer when the current partner tries to give the new man a bit of guidance as to what she likes and what she wants. And we're not talking about desires like 50 Shades of Grey. We're talking about things like "gentler", "different", "longer foreplay" and the like. The new man is overwhelmed. The woman is overwhelmed. It's not easy to communicate these things. Female sexuality is complicated. Out of the overwhelm or frustration, she then gets the phrase "No one has ever complained before you" hurled at her.

The question remains, were the others satisfied or silent?

The next recurring thing is that women "hide" from sex at home. They love their husband. But the relationship and/or their sexual relationship does not provide them with the framework in which desire arises. How do they hide? You lie down with the child in the nursery at every available opportunity, grateful to be needed by the child until the man has fallen asleep. Stay up late because you have work to do, want to finish watching the programme, etc. Until he falls asleep. Or - now it's getting clever - you send the man away in a well-meaning way. He should meet his friends again or do some sport. And the woman has a relaxing evening. The subtlety of the psychosomatic kind is to get cystitis or vaginitis. Then there's peace and quiet. (Of course, this does not mean that these complaints always indicate sexual problems).

Why do these women do this? Because perhaps they can't tell themselves what they need. Our sex education consists of a few technical facts at school, a few whispered stories among friends, films that reflect the screenwriter's imagination, not reality, and the greatest inexhaustible source - porn, where only the male approach to sexuality is portrayed. If a woman does not dare to seek access to honest information, she very quickly finds herself in a position where she does not understand her body and therefore cannot communicate what she needs. Or that she communicates it, but receives an answer as described above. In any case, there is a good chance that she will believe that something is wrong with her. Or that she gets the impression that sex is fundamentally something that she is not so keen on.

Women need to start being honest with themselves. To seek dialogue. Men need to realise that to be a good lover, they need two things - knowledge and feeling. Not knowledge from porn. After all, you can't run a farm just because you've watched a few home movies. Real knowledge about the female anatomy, sensitivity, needs. But technically perfect foreplay is still not what sex is all about - physical communication. Being present, feeling each other, getting involved with your partner and her feelings are the magic words. Believe me, a woman can sense exactly whether you are really "there", whether you are really getting involved, whether you are present when you touch her.

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Love yourself first

But the most important ingredient is probably feeling good in your own body. Good sex needs a solid foundation - and this consists of two people who have good access to their own bodies, who feel each other. Many problems in bed are not really problems of shared sexuality, but are caused by the fact that one or both partners do not feel comfortable in their own bodies. For women, this sometimes means that they need a certain degree of relaxation in order to feel pleasure. The trick then is to remain authentic in these challenging intimate situations. To perceive and feel yourself and your partner at the same time. Sex is the art of presence. Good sex takes a lot of courage.

To be honest, I find it creepy what you can read about sex. This stupid advice that is supposed to freshen up our sexuality together and charge it with excitement. Candlelight, disguises, positions, sexy lingerie. All advice that is supposed to bring external help to sex, which needs help from within the participants. What use is sexy lingerie if you are tense and dissatisfied because your child has just reached the defiant phase and you haven't had ten minutes to yourself today? What use is candlelight if unspoken sexual desires stand between the two of you like a call sign? And again - in the vast majority of cases, these are not unusual desires, but the desire for touch. Presence. Letting yourself go. Getting time. And the first prize for stupidity, from me personally, goes to the advice to have a head cinema. An invitation to not be present is really not very helpful. The head is already causing enough trouble in bed. When I'm in the head cinema, I'm certainly not with my partner. Not with me. But really tingling sex consists primarily of presence and devotion.

A study has shown that women have more desire for sex from men who help out around the house than the others. That makes sense to me. Mutual respect, the feeling that I and my needs are being recognised, is an important prelude to foreplay, so to speak. And this study, this context, clearly shows how complicated female sexuality is.

Don't let anyone tell you that other women were satisfied. The chances are high that they just didn't say anything. Listen to your body. Listen to your needs. Learn to find words to express what you need. Even and especially in a long-term relationship, your needs will change. Your bodies will change. Have the courage to talk about it.

And my personal most important piece of advice: Remove all pressure. Concentrate on being physically present, on feeling, on touching, on physical pleasure. If you want to nip good sex in the bud, it's best to hunt for erections and orgasms. But all of this comes more easily if you don't make it a condition of this intimate time together. Good sex is very similar to a good conversation. It is not created, it develops, it creates closeness and connection. And this is only possible when two people are involved who are authentic and honest.

Not saying something so as not to offend the other person is dangerous. It's the many things that people refrain from doing that create distance between partners. It backfires, the relationship becomes colder, you feel each other less. Let each other share in your own vitality. Stay in a lively connection. The greatest happiness is small happiness. A touch, a smile. Being fully present and inviting your partner to get involved in this moment. With or without sex afterwards.

Don't be quiet when there's something important to say. And enjoying sex is something very important. Sex is an important source of vitality.

Of course, there are also partnerships in which you have to fight to be heard. Don't shy away from it. You're not doing your relationship any favours if you don't say anything. On the contrary, you'll adapt to the point where you're no longer noticeable to your partner. Then he will start to notice other women more. Don't just be. It's not worth it.

And last but not least: give a wide berth to terrible relationship and sex guides. Listen to your instincts. Here are some books I can recommend to you:

Diana Richardson is a woman you should listen to carefully. In her numerous books, she captures femininity in all its complexity and power. In my opinion, this is the most recommendable approach to sexuality.

Eva-Maria and Wolfram Zurhorst do incredibly good work when it comes to relationships and sexuality. Being in a long-term marriage themselves, they know what they are talking about - unlike so many other relationship counsellors. I have been working with people for 13 years. In my opinion, these two have fully understood the dynamics of relationships. I think their approach is highly recommended. The book "Soulsex" deals with the sexual aspect, again an approach that I like and is very similar to that of Diana Richardson.

If you are interested in communication in a partnership, because a good conversation is needed here, I would like to give you a Video that I did some time ago. I invited two experts - also in a good marriage of many years - to explain the so-called "couple talk" to me:

There is already this article on the subject of partnership on my blog: 5 things that are more important to your partner than your wrinkles