8 questions a woman over 40 should ask herself

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Welcome to the midlife crisis, a wild time when relationships break up, jobs are cancelled and everything is turned upside down. Welcome to the second puberty, an uncomfortable time full of questions without answers, full of insecurities and upheavals. Welcome to the centre of life, where you find yourself - probably against your will.

Didn’t we used to think that nothing interesting could happen at this age? That by then everything was sorted and we were in the „and they lived happily ever after“ phase? We only recently thought that we’d already „made it“. We’ve done a lot and achieved a lot; surely everything should be fine by now. As young whippersnappers, we thought that at this age, life was somehow finally sorted. And then this. We feel less secure than ever.

End of the rolls

What surprises us is the realisation that the roles we have happily fulfilled for years no longer give us a sense of identity. The beauty, the sweetheart, the mother, the wife, the reliable colleague, the dutiful daughter – somehow, all of this transforms into something in which we no longer feel at home. Many relationships break down at this point because we do what we’ve always been prone to doing in relationships – we project our dissatisfaction onto our partner and believe we’ll find more fulfilment elsewhere.

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This is a time for rediscovering yourself. Just as in adolescence, we find ourselves making a lot of decisions again and feeling deeply unsettled. If your partner isn’t a narcissist, the relationship isn’t the problem, even if it sometimes feels that way to you. Now you should turn your attention to the search for a new self. It’s no laughing matter. No matter where you go, in the end you’ll always come face to face with yourself.

We already have the non-answers

So what is this stage of life all about? We already have so much, and yet we’re still so dissatisfied? Jim Carrey said: „I wish everyone could become rich and famous and achieve everything they dream of, so that they could see that’s not the answer.“

For the first 40 years, we believe we have to achieve this or that, and it does bring us satisfaction. In mid-life, we realise that all of that – the money, the career, the house, the marriage, the children – isn’t the answer to the questions that preoccupy us most. We can numb ourselves – with infatuation, sex, travel, alcohol or pills – but none of that provides the answer we so desperately need.

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Chaos in the soul

The more stagnation there is in our lives, the greater the chaos within our souls. The urgent call that the mid-life crisis whispers to us is a call for change. We long to break free from our conditioning and constraints and finally understand who we really are. We want to create something that has a deeper meaning and will outlive us. We want to be at the heart of life.

Internal inventory

It’s time to take stock. All the things, relationships and commitments we’ve accumulated need to be examined closely and considered from every angle. Do I like it? Do I need it? Do I want it? It’s high time to let go of all our projections and declare ourselves the masters of our own happiness. Enough of false modesty and unnecessary pleasantries.

The woman I dreamed of

Remember, you used to be a girl with dreams and aspirations. Are you now the woman you used to dream of becoming? If not, it’s high time you became that woman. Give yourself plenty of time for this period of self-reflection.

8 questions to help you take stock

1. Why do I do what I do?
2. Who do I spend most of my time with? Do I enjoy that?
3. What one big wish have I never fulfilled?
4. What will I regret most not having done?
5. If I were 20 today, what would I do?
6. If everything stays the same, how will I feel at the end of my life?
7. What do I do just for myself, simply because it makes me happy?
8. If I could change one thing effortlessly today that would last for the rest of my life, what would it be?

Answer without fear. It’s the second half; we no longer have time for small-minded thinking or for settling for second best. Go for what you really want.

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Dig deeper, practise devotion

After 40 years of conquering things in the outside world, it is time to turn our attention inwards. This takes courage, because intuition is unpredictable. It is time to let go of the outside world and practise surrendering to our inner selves. Who do you want to be when you find the answer entirely within yourself and choose none of the predefined images of womanhood?

If not now, then when?

You’re freer than ever before, but perhaps you’ve forgotten how to handle it. You have experience, composure and strength. What else do you need to set yourself free on the inside? Let your authentic strength take you by surprise. Keep an open mind and look forward to discovering the person you’ll become over the next few years.