Image source: pxhere.com

Welcome to the midlife crisis, a wild time when relationships break up, jobs are cancelled and everything is turned upside down. Welcome to the second puberty, an uncomfortable time full of questions without answers, full of insecurities and upheavals. Welcome to the centre of life, where you find yourself - probably against your will.

Didn't we used to think that nothing interesting could happen at this age? That by then everything would be settled and we would be in the "and they lived happily ever after" phase? We only recently thought that we had "arrived". We've done a lot and achieved a lot, so everything should be fine by now. As youngsters, we thought that life was somehow finally settled at this age. And then this. We feel less settled than ever.

End of the rolls

What amazes us is the realisation that the roles we have happily filled for years no longer give us a sense of identity. The beautiful, the sweet, the mother, the wife, the reliable employee, the well-behaved daughter, somehow all of this turns into something in which we no longer feel at home. Many partnerships break down at this point because we do what we always like to do in relationships - we project our dissatisfaction onto our partner and think we can find more vitality elsewhere. For some, you have to say it's a shame about the long-standing relationship, which almost accidentally collapses at this point. For others, you have to say that the narcissists and bloodsuckers have finally been kicked out of your life. But that doesn't mean you're done cleaning up.

Image source: pixabay.com/KELLEPICS

This is the time of a renewed search for oneself. As in puberty, we make a lot of decisions again and are deeply insecure. If your partner doesn't fall into the narcissist category, the relationship isn't your problem, even if it sometimes feels that way. Now you should turn your attention to finding a new you. That's not fun. Many people prefer to take a shortcut and simply look for a new you. But you won't find yourself there. No matter where you go, in the end you will only ever meet yourself. Instant solutions in life only ever work in the short term; if you cheat, you'll be hit harder.

We already have the non-answers

So what is this phase of life all about? We already have so much and yet we are so dissatisfied? Jim Carrey said: "I wish all people could become rich and famous and achieve everything they dream of so they could see that's not the answer."

The answer to what? What is the question to which this is not the answer? Who am I? What am I here for? What is life really about? Does my existence have a meaning?

In the first 40 years, we believe that we have to achieve this and that and it makes us happy. After each milestone, we feel we have "arrived", we feel right, we feel happy. In midlife, we realise that all of this - the money, the career, the house, the marriage, the children - are not the answers to the questions that concern us the most. Some push these thoughts away. The helplessness and inner disorientation is too great. They simply look for another partner and believe that these new butterflies in their stomach are the answer. Others continue to diligently fulfil their role according to the motto "Now more than ever!" and silence the questions that are spreading so unpleasantly inside them with antidepressants. But we can't escape these questions. We can numb ourselves - with infatuation, sex, travelling, alcohol or pills, but none of this provides the answers we so desperately need. No matter how many Proseccos we pour into ourselves à la Sex and the City, the hangover the next day only makes the questions seem even more urgent.

Image source: pixabay.com/Engin_Akyurt

Chaos in the soul

The more stagnation there is in our lives, the greater the chaos in our souls. The urgent call that the midlife crisis whispers to us is the call for movement. To leave what has been conquered. For a new departure. For new conquests, but this time other continents are being tackled. This time we want to conquer something within ourselves. We long to peel ourselves out of our imprints and constraints and finally realise who we really are. We want to feel the inner freedom that we suspect exists. We want to feel connected to something that goes beyond ourselves. We want to create something that has a deeper meaning and outlives us. We need to feel that we understand the essence of life. We want to be at the pulse of life.

Internal inventory

Inventory is the order of the day. Inventory in our lives. All the things, relationships and commitments that we have accumulated need to be taken in hand and looked at from all sides. And each time we should ask ourselves the question: Do I like it? Do I need it? Do I want it? It is time to learn to deal with limits and make the best of what is available. And it's high time to take back all projections and declare ourselves the boss of our own happiness. If you don't understand that responsibility lies in your own hands, you have little chance of a good second half. No more false modesty and superfluous politeness. We must stand up for what is important to us. Even if nobody around us understands it.

The woman I dreamed of

Remember, you were once a girl with dreams and ideas. And now wake up, because you're not anymore. You are now the woman you dreamed of back then. Or are you? Then it's high time you became the woman you thought you wanted to be when you grew up. I have a few questions here that can help you with your inner inventory. Give yourself enough time, your shop is big and an inventory like this can take a long time.

8 questions

1 Why do I do what I do?

2. which people do I spend the most time with? Do I like that?

3. what great wish have I never fulfilled?

4. what will I regret most not having done?

5 If I were 20 today, what would I do?

6 If everything stays as it is, how will I feel at the end of my life?

7. what do I do just for me, for the sole reason that it makes me happy?

8. if I could effortlessly change something today for the rest of my life, what would it be?

Answer fearlessly and expansively. It's second half time, we have no more time for small-minded thinking. No more time to carefully skirt around the things we want or settle for second best. Go for what you really want. You don't want to leave this world feeling like you didn't even try.

Image source: pixabay.com/silviarita

Dig deeper, practise devotion

I believe that we need and want to dig deeper at this time. We have now spent 40 years conquering all sorts of things out there and now it's time to turn inwards. To let go out there and allow our inner self to take over. That takes a lot of courage. The impulses of our intuition are unpredictable and challenge us. But this is the only way we can finally stop planning our lives and start discovering them.

We are made for devotion and acceptance. But until now, we have mostly focussed our attention on the outside. We have accepted a lot of things that were not good for us, surrendered to roles that have stretched us to the limit. It is time to let go on the outside and practise this surrender on the inside. To see what we find inside ourselves when we stop distracting ourselves with the outside world. Who we want to be when we find the answer entirely within ourselves and don't choose any of the predetermined images of women out there. When we start to trust our surroundings with our inner truth.

If not now, then when?

There is a good chance that you are freer than you have ever been in your life. There is an equally good chance that you have forgotten how to deal with freedom. The question is - if not now, then when? You have experience, serenity, self-knowledge and strength. What else do you need to set yourself free inside? To allow yourself to feel what is trying to express itself through you? This authentic power that makes its way outwards, away from all the well-rehearsed roles? Let it surprise you. It is not created and planned in your head, it arises from your own strength and wants to be expressed. That's the beauty of this time. It's like a wild school trip. Let's see what happens. Let's see what I'm about to do. Keep an open mind and be curious about the person you will become over the next few years.