Women are born extras in the film of other people's lives. For centuries, we were just the sidecar of the man, the children, the boss. A well-functioning household and care robot with a long-lasting battery that didn't need to be recharged. 

Today we would have the chance to play the leading role, and what do we do? We settle for the supporting role. After all, going from an extra to a supporting role is also a step up. But just because we're always busy doesn't mean we're doing anything substantial. Far too many women still shy away from the essential.

Never good enough for the next step

We always have the feeling that we are not yet good enough for the leading role. So we set out on the path of self-knowledge and self-development, with the hope of meeting ourselves. To recognise our path. To find our strength. And when we succeed, we shrink back. When the door to our cage opens, we are all too happy to slam it shut again. "I can't because..." is one of the sentences I hear most often in my practice.

We are still afraid of our own strength.

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We elect reactionary politicians with a backward women's policy so that this "I can't because..." finally has a real basis. So that we can hide behind it the unpleasant truth that we lack the courage to take personal responsibility.

Don't we women have a talent for being free?

Freedom is an inner attitude

Do people automatically become free just because they are granted freedom? Unfortunately not. Freedom is an ability, a talent, something that happens within us and is only marginally related to external circumstances. In theory, we are free to write our own story, to follow our own path, to trust our judgement, to leave our own mark. To play the leading role in our lives. That excites us, is fun, awakens our imagination. And at the same time it scares and paralyses us.

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We don't always encounter within ourselves what we would have expected. We expect our inner voice to whisper to us that we should travel, paint, change jobs or take a pottery course. Instead, it says things like "my circle of friends is boring me to death" or "I'm tired of being responsible for the family's food". She says things like "I don't want to be treated like this" or simply "I want more!".

The chip with the antediluvian programme

And then this chip, which must be somewhere inside of us, comes forward. It is implanted in us before we are born and has been regularly updated since our first breath - through sexist advertising, ridiculous female roles in film and television, catastrophic female role models in our environment, ignorance of politics. The history of centuries of female oppression is stored on this chip, the history of our female lack of freedom.

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If one or two women manage to overcome their fear, the question inevitably arises: "Am I allowed to do this?" Women constantly feel like they are taking something away from someone else when they claim their space. Somewhere deep inside us, we seem to feel most comfortable when we are just a part of something. Somewhere inside us, the alarm goes off as soon as we want to try a solo act.

Through my work, I know many women - and unfortunately far too many who keep themselves in a cage that no longer exists in reality. The fence of our prison has long since been dismantled, but we still walk the same well-trodden paths and don't dare to take the step to freedom. No, we don't necessarily have it easy in this society. But that's precisely why we don't need to put obstacles in our own way.

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The stuff women's fears are made of

What do our women's fears consist of? The "good" reasons to keep ourselves trapped and not dare to tell our own story? (All names changed, of course, and women asked for permission)

Andrea has a knack for children and would love to train as a yoga teacher for children. She has thought about it, talked about it a lot and then decided to return to the office after all. Why? "Unfortunately, my husband isn't into yoga at all."

Verena is locked into the routines of her marriage, work and circle of friends. Her life is full of anaemic relationships and she watches herself wither away. She no longer wants any of this, wishes for change, visualises it and... doesn't take a single step. Verena is afraid that people might think she's crazy. "They wouldn't understand".

1000 good reasons not to be me

Lisa is in her mid-30s and wants a family of her own. Her partner doesn't want to commit and insists on an open relationship. Lisa doesn't like an open relationship at all, but goes along with it. She doesn't question her partner or this relationship, but herself. "What's wrong with me that I'm not more flexible?"

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Anna is in her early 20s and doesn't like herself because she has "such a petty, stuffy nature", as she puts it. Anna has no professional ambitions. She wants a large family of her own. Really big. "I know I was born for it." But that's so yesterday. "You can't say things like that out loud these days," she says, goes to university and plays the aspiring lawyer to everyone.

Gertrud likes everything her husband likes. Not really, of course. In reality, she suffers from the fact that she loses contact with herself more and more as a result. Loses herself completely. "But when I get "difficult", he flirts with other women".

Perhaps the others know better?

Iris would like to start her own business. She often hears the phrase: "Is that what you really want? There are already so many." She can't stop thinking about what others will say if she fails. She has been stuck in this indecision for three years now.

None of these women are writing their own story. For each of them, the voices out there count more than their own. They all limit themselves because it's "only" about them. It's not worth kicking up dust. They bend over backwards for a false harmony.

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Always remain reasonable

In the lives of many women, I will remain the only one who was allowed to take a look at their authenticity, at who they really are.

Women often believe that it is somehow noble to hold back. In reality, they deprive the world of the enriching energy that nature has endowed them with. They lie to the world about who they are. They grossly ignore their inner compass. They are stealing from the world a living person full of vitality and juice.

We all do it at least once in a while. We all look at our surroundings and endeavour to remain "reasonable". And so we continue to tread the well-trodden paths of the boring but acceptable. Nice, courteous, reasonable. Day after day, the world loses tonnes of originality, excitement, innovation and colourfulness. Day after day, our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, neighbourhood girls and schoolgirls watch us and learn what a woman's life is.

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Every woman should have her own story. We shouldn't be tangled up in a big grey carpet of thwarted women's dreams. We should not be the reason why our daughters do not dare to write their story. I don't want to be a role model of self-sacrifice and self-sacrifice for my daughter or my son. Neither should my daughter ever think that a woman has to give up her own path for love and recognition, nor should my son ever expect such a thing from a woman.

We are the midwives of our dreams

I know so many great women! Unfortunately, they don't let the world share in their greatness. It's not the kind of greatness that is applauded in our society. Women's dreams still have a hard time in this world. But if we don't help them into the world, who will? Only we women can start to take our inner voice seriously. To trust that it knows our path and guides us. Only we can be the midwives for a courageous female existence. For a new definition of female power.

We women must trust that we are entitled to our own story. We must give ourselves the right to choose our own path. No one else is holding us back anymore. The fence has long been dismantled, the cage is gone. Freedom is calling. It is full of unwritten stories.

One of them is yours. Show us which one it is!

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